remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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