saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
