I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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