oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
