Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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