I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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