I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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