just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
