i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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