also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
