The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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