so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
