oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
