Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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