She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
