Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
