im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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