I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
no, he came in my armpit
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
