Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
