As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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