I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
