is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
