I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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