oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
