I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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