apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
