I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
