i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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