so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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