so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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