I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
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the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
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You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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