she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
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Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
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TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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