girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
