I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
