So drunk its hurt
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
