I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
