mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
