Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
