do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
