I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
