just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
