Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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