I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
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also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
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You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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