i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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