she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
