Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
