i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
