I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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