Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
