You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
