And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
