I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
